hold up

Still in Austin. The bosses are keeping me here until the 1st of September. Watch things develop on flickr.


I'm in Austin for work. Back tomorrow.


Fire alarm at work today. I was sitting at my desk enjoying a delicious tamale when the sound of cats on fire exploded from the ceiling. Apparently, I’m the only one in the office with the ability to hear scorching cats, because I had to go around and tell everyone that a bunch of cats were being slowly singed to death and that I thought we should leave. Once we’d walked downstairs to the lobby, we found the security guard. He told us that it was a false alarm and that we could join the throng of people going back up the elevators to their respective offices.

I have to say, I was quite happy to march back up to work. Ecstatic, in fact. So happy I could have pooped my pants right there in the lobby.

The other great news is that the fire alarm doesn’t work right. It doesn’t get any better than that, right? Security Guard: “Listen up, folks. The fire alarm doesn’t work that great. Yeah, it does goes off, but not necessarily when there’s a fire. So if you feel yourself slowly roasting to a crisp, odds are pretty good that you’re not a contestant in a new game show involving cooking people on live TV. No, it’s probably just that the building is a raging inferno. You might want to think about getting out. Except that heat rises, so if you’re getting hot, it’s probably a floor beneath you that’s engulfed in flames. So, since you won’t be able to use the stairs or the elevator, feel free to make your way to the ground floor via the windows. And remember: be safe.”


Tomorrow promises to be one of the biggest days in the history of cinema. The sunrise brings a release so monumental, so momentous, that the sands of time quiver with anticipation. Move over, Citizen Kane. The AFI is kicking the mud from its heels so it can give you the boot. This movie is bigger than Labor Day.

That’s right. It’s time for Snakes on a Plane. Are you ready? I’m not sure you can be. Not that a little issue like preparedness should stop you from doing anything... What did being prepared ever do for the Boy Scouts? Yeah. That's what I thought.

But once you partake in the genius that is Snakes on a Plane, you’re sure to clamor for a sequel. Jake’s got you covered. He’s even working the prequel action. But maybe you were hoping to keep the action to the air. Here are some titles. Just like the original, you can pretty much figure out the plot.

Wakes on a Plane. A memorial for the reptiles felled at the hands of Sam Jackson.
Cakes on a Plane. A cooking channel movie special.
Aches on a Plane. For the AARP crowd.
Fakes on a Plane. America’s Top Model. In the sky!
Lakes on a Plane. Bladder control gone terribly wrong.
Mistakes on a Plane. What if you went to the bar, got hammered and went home with an ugly stranger? Not a big deal, right? Morning comes and you just slip out a window. Not if you’re on a plane!
Rakes on a Plane. When irate illegal immigrant gardeners attack!


It’s raining again. Somebody forgot that El Paso is the desert. An arid region. We aren’t supposed to canoe to work. I don’t have a window in my cube, but I can see out of one of the media buyer’s windows. Sort of. It’s not so much cloudy as it is wet. Wet like my face is hideous to look at. Vomitously wet. Visibility is about ten feet.

The best part is that, for the first time in six weeks, I’m not so busy that I have to work ‘til seven. I could go home on time. If the freeway wasn’t closed because of the flooding. Super.

In other news, we closed on our house on Monday. Never before have I been more terrified of paper. Last night, a stack of documents showed up in that dream I have where the earth is cheese and I’m the king. And let’s just say that they were not there to bring me chicken strips and Mega M&M’s.

Lastly, I’m pretty much ready to move words over to the new domain. I just can’t make myself move on with the final push.

Blogger Pros
It’s free.
It’s got unlimited Bandwidth (this is good because my blog won’t crash if, by some ridiculous fluke, I write something really funny and a bunch of people show up).
Most of the blogs I like (and most of the ones that like me) are on Blogger.
You’re here now.
It’s free. For a long time.
New stuff (including templates) coming soon.

Blogger Cons
Huge target for comment spam.
To use this rockin’ template, I can’t use the word verification spam killer. And comment spam sucks.
I was too late to get the address I wanted. And the person who did can’t even spell ‘tired’. Or ‘damn’. And there name is Chase Gorman. Damn you, Chase Gorman.
Scheduled downtime that’s always scheduled for my moments of creativity.
Won't let me use the poll I tried to insert at the end of this post.

WordPress Pros
Spam control without having to moderate every single comment.
I’d finally have a domain with the word ‘words’ in it.
Multiple pages.
All the features that Blogger is testing right now.

WordPress Cons
Moving to a new domain.
I can’t get my images to import from Blogger.
Limited bandwidth. This is probably fine as I will most likely never attract very many readers.
WordPress is free but you have to pay for hosting and bandwidth.

Let me know what you think in the comments.


So. Some liberty-loathing, bacon-hating a-holes were going to try to bring down a bunch of planes over the Atlantic, murdering a bunch of people in the name of Allah. It’s called Islamic fascism. It’s terrorism. And it blows. And not just stuff up. It plays on the most basic of our emotions. Not sex or hunger. Fear. And fear is like poop. Nobody wants to admit they have any, but everyone’s got at least a little but somewhere. And it stinks. And it can make you really uncomfortable. And it’s hard to get off your shoes.

We all react to things that are frightening in different ways. Some people, like all the guys in my middle school, get angry and start punching things, like my face. Some people let the fear take over. It controls them and they start acting just as crazy as the folks who are walking around punching dogs in the head.

We can’t let the fear take over. Maybe heightened security is smart. Maybe it’s too much. I don’t know. It’s not like they caught these guys getting on a plane. They arrested them in their homes and their apartments in the middle of the night. But that’s not the point. We can talk about it. Sure, let people know that we caught these guys. But this is a victory. They didn’t succeed. Those flights are safe. Let’s be happy that people are still alive. Let’s not slip under the blanket of fear, waiting for the next big attack. Let’s not talk about the impact on gasoline prices and flight cancellations. Let’s move on. Because unless we step out and live our lives, the terrorists have still won.

Let's fight the terror. Not by hate. Not by irrational striking out.

Let's not be afraid.


Robin Williams seeks help for alcoholism
Because everybody needs a little help sometimes. Even alcoholism. That dirty bastard.

Jay-Z helps U.N. focus on water crisis
Because this water crisis thing is off the chain, y'all.

Mom's dieting can be unhealthy for kids
Because women are mean when they're hungry. And other times.

Statue of Liberty's crown to stay closed
Because she's a lady.

Trees are stripped for medicinal bark
And they are not ladies.

Report says sugary drinks pile on pounds
Later, red meat and fried foods will tackle coronary disease.

Sugar Land mayor to seek DeLay's seat
It's leather. And purportedly very soft.


All day long I've been smelling the faint odor of roasted marshmallows. I think that's the sign of an impending stroke. Or something.


Work is insane.

Also, I pooped three times today.


It's flooding here. In the middle of the desert. I can't get home because all the roads are closed. It took me an hour to drive eight miles.

But I got to leave work at noon. So I'm hoping it rains all night.

I knew this would happen. I’m back from California. I had a great time with my family. And now that I’m back at work, I’m buried again. I have one client who wants two months of work in a week and half and an Account Executive who apparently doesn’t know how to say the word ‘no’. It’s awesome. Wanting to simultaneously stab yourself in the eye and punch newborn kittens is amazing. A natural high. Unparalleled in the world of natural highs. Adrenaline looks like a pile of wet bananas next to this feeling.

I’m also busy messing with moving this blog to a new domain on my website using the Wordpress platform. Unlike, moving the blog to my website with Wordpress software provides all the functionality I now enjoy with none of the comment spam problems I’ve been having. They say you lose one-third of your readership when you try to switch domains, but I can’t deal with the spam anymore. It makes me drink. At work. And I’m quickly running out of work booze. So if you’re one of the two people that constitutes a third of my readership, please come with me when I make the switch. It’ll be easy. And better for everyone. And plus, there will be like, prizes and stuff. Good ones. And free money for everyone. Please don’t abandon me. I have loneliness issues.

In other news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has banned the use of foreign words within Iran. Most of the new words for things make reasonable sense. Except that pizzas will now be know as elastic loaves. Which is stupid. I mean, we did the same thing with France when they were being a bunch of tools a while ago, but that kinda faded when we realized that they don’t call them French fries either and it’s not exactly an honorary title. But this pizza thing is stupid. Elastic loaf? Seriously? You could call it a bunch of things that make more sense. Like an open-faced sandwich. Or cheese-on-bread. Or delicious tastiness or something that’s equally fitting of the heavenly quality inherent in the pizza pie. Like manna. Oh, wait. It’s Iran. Nevermind. Manna’s probably no good.

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