Fire alarm at work today. I was sitting at my desk enjoying a delicious tamale when the sound of cats on fire exploded from the ceiling. Apparently, I’m the only one in the office with the ability to hear scorching cats, because I had to go around and tell everyone that a bunch of cats were being slowly singed to death and that I thought we should leave. Once we’d walked downstairs to the lobby, we found the security guard. He told us that it was a false alarm and that we could join the throng of people going back up the elevators to their respective offices.

I have to say, I was quite happy to march back up to work. Ecstatic, in fact. So happy I could have pooped my pants right there in the lobby.

The other great news is that the fire alarm doesn’t work right. It doesn’t get any better than that, right? Security Guard: “Listen up, folks. The fire alarm doesn’t work that great. Yeah, it does goes off, but not necessarily when there’s a fire. So if you feel yourself slowly roasting to a crisp, odds are pretty good that you’re not a contestant in a new game show involving cooking people on live TV. No, it’s probably just that the building is a raging inferno. You might want to think about getting out. Except that heat rises, so if you’re getting hot, it’s probably a floor beneath you that’s engulfed in flames. So, since you won’t be able to use the stairs or the elevator, feel free to make your way to the ground floor via the windows. And remember: be safe.”