Robin Williams seeks help for alcoholism
Because everybody needs a little help sometimes. Even alcoholism. That dirty bastard.

Jay-Z helps U.N. focus on water crisis
Because this water crisis thing is off the chain, y'all.

Mom's dieting can be unhealthy for kids
Because women are mean when they're hungry. And other times.

Statue of Liberty's crown to stay closed
Because she's a lady.

Trees are stripped for medicinal bark
And they are not ladies.

Report says sugary drinks pile on pounds
Later, red meat and fried foods will tackle coronary disease.

Sugar Land mayor to seek DeLay's seat
It's leather. And purportedly very soft.