How to Write a Personal Blog

1. Begin by assuming a self-important air. This is essential. Without arrogance, you might accidentally realize that no one cares about your depression, momentary happiness followed by disappointment, doctor’s appointment, boss, mailman, cat or lunch. Also, if you don’t already have one, buy a cat immediately. A dog will do, but cats are better. Much, much better.

2. Choose a blogging method. Some people pay for domain name registration, site hosting and blogging software. Others use one of many free services. Decide what’s right for you. Keep in mind that few readers will follow your blog if you’re constantly switching from domain to domain. Pick something you can live with for a while. Personal bloggers sometimes find a social networking service, like Xanga, MySpace or LiveJournal, to be especially nice because they can create connections to their friends and then make them all feel guilty when they don’t read their blog. They will also find on such communities a number of other bleeding hearts with whom to empathize. Lastly, make sure to choose a service that will allow you to put red text on a black background so everyone can share in your longsuffering.

3. When you hang out with friends, refer only to events that have been chronicled on your blog. When they ask you to tell them about the event/events, refuse. If they want to know what you’re talking about, they should be reading your blog, checking it seven to ten times every day. Weekends included. Because your anguish never sleeps.

4. Practice getting very depressed about even the smallest details. Clerk accidentally forgot to scan your coupon? Cry. Mailman dropped the letter from your mail order Russian bride in a puddle? Cry. Dog peed on your lawn? Cry. Through your tears, write a post about how much you love your cat and how plainly you can see its love for you in the way it completely ignores you.

5. Refine your rambling skills. The hallmark of personal blogs is the ability of the author to use 75 words to say, “I had lunch.”

6 Responses to “how to blog, pt.2”

  1. # Anonymous Doc

    You are amazing! You must be an exceedingly accomplished blogger. You used 345 words to tell us nearly exactly what you said a week ago. That's 4.6 times the 75 to talk about lunch. I will aspire to write (privately, until I can get at least 100 words out of lunch) daily before becoming a blogger.  

  2. # Anonymous Doc

    Oh, I still need a T-shirt...  

  3. # Anonymous Bekah

    What do you mean "Without arrogance, you might accidentally realize that no one cares about your depression, momentary happiness followed by disappointment, doctor’s appointment, boss, mailman, cat or lunch"?!?!

    I'm not arrogant and EVERYONE cares about me and my depression, momentary happiness and ESPECIALLY my lunch!!! GEEZ, you need to rethink these damn guidelines, MISTER.  

  4. # Anonymous s. wells

    refinement of rambling skills is terribly important, i agree.  

  5. # Anonymous r.fuel

    Well, Doc, it is still a how-to on blogging after all.  

  6. # Anonymous Doc

    And, as I said, an amazing one.  

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