Last week I wrote about our neighbors to the north and their generous and syrupy gift to the nation of Norway. While the incident was a lighthearted one, it brings to mind a much more serious matter: the growing threat of invasion.

Canada has a long history with the United States. Most of it involves copying our culture and then mocking us while our back is turned. It's no secret that Canadians enjoy a way of life intensely similar to that of most Americans, except colder and with a lot more syrup. I've known kids who were ostracized at school just for having American relatives.

It's only a matter of time before Canada's conflicting feelings of love and hate for America boil over the lip of the pot of sanity and push them past wacky and slightly schizophrenic to murderously insane. The day is fast approaching in which Canadian citizens take up their snow shovels, march across the northern border and slaughter us all in our sleep. They'll sweep across the nation in days, their thirst for American blood fueled by syrup supply trains and outlet malls.

It's time to start thinking about homeland defense. It's not too late to stave off the great white threat. Some have called for a preemptive strike. An invasion of our own to take over the wintry wasteland and make it the next Puerto Rico. Frankly, what's the point? What's in it for us? A lot of snow and world leadership in syrup production? Meh.

But there's no need to go to extremes. An invasion is overkill. We just need to let them know we can't be bullied. Rattle the saber a little. Fire some warning shots across the bow. My plan is simple: hold all Boy Scout meetings for the next three years within sight of the Canadian border. Abject terror will grip the hearts of Canadians nationwide, securing a continued and proper respect for the might of these great United States.