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Helpful Tips for Happy Halloweening

1. Buy seven bags of peanut M&Ms. Ship them to me.
2. Stock your house with a ton of great candy. Kids hate that cheap stuff. That's how you end up with eggs on your car. Trust me. I used to love throwing eggs. You've got to build some excitement. Look for something name brand, preferably something with a soft center. Like Snickers or Three Musketeers. They're easier to get a syringe into.
3. Borrow a truck.
4. Swing by the big red dumpster behind a local hospital and pick up a syringe or three.
5. Get your hands on some medical-quality liquid sedative. Something strong. If you need some help with this, let me know. I've got some sources. (I can also get you a real cheap bottle of Vicodin, if you're interested.)
6. Fill your candy with the sedative. Don't be shy. Load 'em up good.
7. When the kids come knocking on your door, be generous. Encourage them to eat some of the candy while standing on your doorstep. If the parents are around, they might get a little suspicious. When they open their mouths to spout some nonsense about safety, stick some sedative-laced Snickers in there. If you did things right, the kids and their parents will only make it about ten steps into your yard, where they'll promptly pass out. Now you've got some great yard decorations. Spooky. Kids like that. Ambience and all that.
8. After the trick-or-treating traffic has died down, shovel the pile of kids and adults into the back of the truck. Drop them off in the yard of that neighbor whose dog wakes up at three a.m. every morning to bark for an hour and a half. They should wake up just about the time the cops arrive.
9. Deny everything.

6 Responses to “zombies”

  1. # Anonymous Chickie

    You have just given me a wonderfully evil idea. Thanks.  

  2. # Anonymous r.fuel

    No, thank you.  

  3. # Anonymous bekah

    You forgot the importance of wearing gloves and changing clothes after you've moved all their bodies.  

  4. # Anonymous Jake


    Also, "Don't be shy. Load 'em up good." = genius.  

  5. # Anonymous james

    hey, the link in the sidebar to "beware" doesn't work. check it out.  

  6. # Anonymous r.fuel

    Oops. You broke it.  

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