I found out last week that Delta is Swedish for, "Just give us your money and get on a damn plane."

If you've ever flown with Delta and were even mildly coherent, you know that they've got this boarding system. It's quite ingenious, actually. They board the plane in groups, but each group is made up of people from different parts of the plane. A few people sitting in front, a few people sitting in the back and a few people sitting in the middle. So the guy in the back can lift his bag into the overhead compartment without knocking some little old lady into an armrest, knocking her out and breaking her hearing aid, which then slowly leaks battery acid into her brain for the next six weeks [I swear, it was an accident].

But the system is only ingenious if you use it. They didn’t. Not once. Four flights. They’d board the first two groups, which are just the people with kids or old people and the folks in first class, and just let everybody else on at once. It’s stupid. It’s like genetically engineering an elephant to eat shoes and then giving him an uzi. I’m not sure how, but it’s just like that.

And it’s the reason I’ll never fly Delta again. That and the other thing with the old lady.