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Well, I'm back from Austin1. My three-day visit turned into a two-week internment camp2. But by the grace of God and with the help of an unholy mixture of pizza, sweet tea and fecal-coliform-infested lake water3, I made it through. I worked a lot. I slept very little. But I did have some fun in between. Thanks to my little brother Jim for putting me up in his apartment and letting me hang out with him. Being seen with me was a major sacrifice for him. You could actually watch his popularity levels fall as the days went by4. By the time I left, bums were spitting on him in the street5.

I missed a lot of big news. Work kept me too busy to do much writing here, but I was cringing practically every day at the thought of all the stuff I missed commenting on:
The nerds went wild. First, one of them won some huge award for work that made him lose faith in mathematics6. Then they deep-sixed Pluto's planetary status7. A bunch of the outdoorsy nerds, the Boy Scouts, saved a little girl from drowning8. Somebody dropped a pocket protector and, while trying to pick it up, accidentally elbowed the big red button at a bomb recycling plant in Louisiana. During the Emmys, they got their tightie-whities in a bunch about a plane crash sketch that didn't even show a plane crashing. A CNN anchor went to the bathroom with her mic on and called another woman 'baby'. And in a story equally as compelling but not about nerds, police in Lake Havasu are looking for a real-life Hamburglar9.

And I missed it all. It's like the whole world is conspiring against me10. As soon as I'm a little pressed for time, there's a ton of great stuff to write about. Stupid world.

And, just to make sure you've got to do an exceptionally annoying amount of scrolling going back and forth between the superscript and the footer, here's a link to a little short I put together. Click the picture of Jim to see it.

1 Land of a thousand weirdos. Maybe Kinky Friedman is the perfect choice.
2 What's that, boss? No, that's totally a joke. I love having that much work to do. It's invigorating.
3 This should probably be a link to an article about fecal coliform and Austin's creatively named Town Lake. But I'm sleepy.
4 Seriously. He's got a little gauge on his bicep. And I'm terrible to be around in public. Things come flying out of my mouth like pellets from a shotgun at a redneck wedding. That is: randomly, with little control, sometimes aimed at small woodland creatures and often without any need for the lack of inhibitions brought on by the consumption of alcohol.
5 I heard his roommates talking about kicking him out and keeping his dog.
6 I lost faith in mathematics when my folks tried to teach me about counting by limiting my cookie intake.
7 Heads will roll for this one. The United States Association of Planetarium Workers is not pleased. And bad things happen when you defy the union.
8 This development makes me want to hire a local troop to protect my little girl. From me. It's a miracle i haven't accidentally hurt her already.
9 I wish I knew who the guy was so I could shake that man's hand. And learn his secrets.
10 I know what you're thinking, but it's not paranoia if it's true.

5 Responses to “return”

  1. # Anonymous Chickie

    Cute video. I don't think it was you that caused your brother's popularity level to fall; I think it was those sunglasses.  

  2. # Anonymous r.fuel

    Ah, but see, I made him put all that stuff on.  

  3. # Anonymous luke

    I loved the video. And you're right... This has been an exceptionally interesting week.  

  4. # Anonymous Purple Dragon

    For footnote six? I have faith in maths, but it's a kind of abstact faith, since I have discalculia and anything dealing with direct numbers gets muddled up in my head.

    And that whole thing with the mathematician? Boy, has it got the maths world riled up! They think he might have proved one of the most famous theorems to be correct, but since the possible proof he has is several thousand pages of stuff done by a computer they need to check it all through.
    Part of the fuss is that with the advent of computers being used to solve and prove complicated maths stuff - stuff that is beyond their power to calculate - they can't be sure ti's correct. What if there's a programming error or something? Since, in the past, everything could be proven correct or incorrect by doing it youself, all the maths people are really agitated and ready to go all Luddite on us. (WELCOME TO MY WORLD, MATHEMATICIANS!)  

  5. # Anonymous Purple Dragon

    Oh, and the Hamburglar thing? I've got a better story. A few years ago in the UK a guy was arrested for dressing up as the Grim Reaper and peering into the windows of old peoples homes.  

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