Lost’s third season premieres tonight. If you don’t watch Lost, you might as well stop reading this post. In fact, you might as well stop reading this blog. That’s right. Don’t ever come around here again. Your kind’s not welcome here.

But in order to help you with your viewing of Lost this evening, words is pleased to present Helpful Tips for Happy Lost Watching.

1. Consume no liquids for at least six hours before the show begins. Yes, there are commercials. But you can’t afford to miss a single minute. Dehydration is a small price to pay for the best show on television. Your kidneys will get over it eventually. If you’re not willing to stop your intake consumption or have forgotten to limit it, swing by a medical supply store on your way home and pick up a catheter. I hear that they’re very nearly painless.
2. Clear your schedule. Most people won’t understand your need to watch every single moment of Lost. To ensure that you won’t be receiving any phone calls during the episode, tell everyone that you’re dead. An added bonus: when everyone finds out tomorrow that you’re not dead, they’ll be too happy to care that they spent all night driving from hospital to hospital in search of your body.
3. Thirty minutes before the show begins, do some light breathing exercises. Clear your mind and meditate on the meaning of Lost and the feelings that the characters might be experiencing. Picture yourself enjoying a romantic evening with [insert your favorite hot Lost character here] so that you might better empathize with them as they are being chased through the jungle by polar bears/the monster/the others/the zombie-fied Libby (spoiler alert!).
4. Don’t fall asleep while meditating.
5. Hyperventilate as the show begins. You’re just going to have to trust me on this.
6. During the commercials, do push-ups, jumping jacks and squats until the show comes back on so that you can identify with the exertion the characters feel just trying to survive on the island. If you can get someone to toss sand in your face while you do this, even better.
7. After the show, write emails to everyone you know informing them that you are, in fact, alive. Include a link to words.

Enjoy!


And for those of you who don’t watch the show, thanks for ignoring me on that whole leaving thing. I’m just trying to impress those Lost freaks. They’re nuts, but I’m desperate for readers. So please stay. I’d be lost without you. I’m so lonely.