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More Helpful Tips for Happy Halloweening

1. Choose your costume carefully. Going out? Wear something slutty. Especially if you're 100-600 pounds overweight. Really whore it up. Everyone loves to see those rolls. Halloween is all about the skin. Long before the pagans were sacrificing bunnies to the gods of moon cheese, exhibitionists were using October 31st as an excuse for running naked around the town square.
2. Choose your costume carefully. Staying in? Go conservative. When handing out candy to children, it's best to remember this simple rule: a pair of pants will keep you out of prison.
3. Appease the teenagers. You may think that those folks in the neighborhood association are the ones with the power. You're wrong. It's the teenagers you want to keep happy. That is, unless you want to have every window in your house broken with large rocks and your own dog. There are two things that make teenagers happy: sleeping and rebelling against their parents. You can't really do anything with the sleeping angle. The prison thing applies here, too. But you can help them rebel. And what better way to help them rebel than a handful of Jolly Ranchers and seven Dixie cups full of jungle juice?
4. Make time for some public service. Kids today have no respect for the danger of the modern automobile. Instill some by driving 50 mph around your neighborhood.
5. Planning on spending the night alone? Like every other night of your lonely, miserable existence. Hand out candy. It's a great way to meet single moms. Instant family! And it may seem counterintuitive, but don't dress up. Creepy and weird are not your friends. Trust me.

6 Responses to “ghouls”

  1. # Anonymous bekah

    I hear jungle juice mixes well with the sedatives in the chocolate bars.  

  2. # Anonymous r.fuel

    I was thinking more about an either/or situation, but whatever works for you.  

  3. # Anonymous bekah

    In the cases of poisoning young children with sedatives and alcohol, it's all or nothing. If you're gonna go, go big.  

  4. # Anonymous bloggadocio

    say what you will, but the year I went as "It's Pat" I went home alone. And the Cheerleader year, well, I'm now living w/ the dude.

    good call on #3. Egg is tough to clean off brick.  

  5. # Anonymous omg

    It's probably the one I shouldn't laugh at, but number 4 got me pretty good.

    Can't remember how I came across your blog, but I'm enjoying your witty writing. Cool beans.  

  6. # Anonymous r.fuel


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