news nugget

Woman Allegedly Hires Hit Man for Cheese

[Before we go on, I have to say that I’m a little upset by this headline. I got all excited about cheese so bad that it had taken over a woman’s house. Cheesy horror so horrific that only the most lethal of hit men could destroy it. So, if that’s what you’re expecting, prepare to be disappointed.]

MEMPHIS, Tenn. - In an unusual case of mistaken identity, a woman who thought a block of white cheese was cocaine is charged with trying to hire a hit man to rob and kill four men. The woman also was mistaken about the hit man. He turned out to be an undercover police officer.

It’s easy to make mistakes like that when you’re desperate. Who can blame her?

Jessica Sandy Booth, 18, was arrested over the weekend and remains in jail with bond set at $1 million on four charges of attempted murder and four counts of soliciting a murder.

Jessica attempted something at 18 that most people spend their lives just dreaming about. Too bad she didn’t choose to try something a little more productive. Like… I don’t know… knitting.

According to police, Booth was in the Memphis home of the four intended victims last week when she mistook a block of queso fresco cheese for cocaine — inspiring the idea to hire someone to break into the home, take the drugs, and kill the men.

It was an honest mistake. Most people who have giant chunks of cocaine just leave it sitting around so their stranger houseguests can have a look. She obviously didn’t try any.

An informant described the plot to police, who arranged a meeting between Booth and the undercover officer.

When I need a hit man, I always appreciate that phone call recommendation from the 5-0.

The undercover officer gave Booth some nonfunctioning handguns, bought ammunition for her because she was too young, and the two proceeded to the home under police surveillance.

Some guns? Because one isn’t enough?

Booth told the officer that any children inside the house old enough to testify would have to be killed, police said.

Of course.

A search of the home with the permission of the occupants revealed no drugs — only the white, crumbly cheese common in Mexican cuisine.

Booth walked up to the door with a small arsenal, introduced her hit man and asked to inspect the house. They let her in. She must have said please.

"Four men were going to lose their lives over some cheese," said Lt. Jeff Clark, who heads Project Safe Neighborhoods.

“Can you imagine? She would have killed them! For cheese! Mexican cheese! Hahaha! Ah... Good times.”

4 Responses to “news nugget”

  1. # Anonymous anne arkham

    Wow, look at that big brick of cocaine! Over there. . .on the marble cutting board with the funny knives. You know, right next to the crackers. And the wine.  

  2. # Blogger Joe Fuel

    Hmm... That makes me hungry. I think I'll go get some lunch.  

  3. # Anonymous stupidjokeanonymous

    The officer realized that the situation might turn violent when she told them to hand over the brick and they replied: "What! Cheese crazy! You'll have to shot us to get it! That's nachocheese!"  

  4. # Blogger Gary Freedman

    LMAO!  

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