sleep guide

When you’re lying in bed at night, there comes a moment when you’re just on the edge. You're seconds from falling headlong into the sweet chasm of slumber. And sometimes, in that time somewhere between waking and sleeping, you realize that you’ve arrived at the precipice. You could slip right into sleep or you could wake up completely and start all over, waiting once again for sleep to envelop you.

It’s a confusing time, and a frustrating one. If you handle it correctly, the next thing you’ll see is the morning sunlight peeking through the curtains. If you don’t, you’re awake, frustrated and angry. I’ve compiled some tips to help you get through this rough and confusing time.

1. If you’ve just realized that you’re on the brink, it is imperative that you do not think about the brink. Once you think about being on the brink, it’s all over. You’re not sleeping. It’s kind of like a solar eclipse. You can’t stare directly at it. Except that in this case, you won’t go blind.
2. Try to just keep thinking about whatever it is that you were thinking about. Maybe for you it’s sheep jumping over a fence or your plans for the following day or the way that guy or girl looked at you in the elevator. For me, it’s usually food. Or the overwhelming pressure of entertaining the miniscule number of people who read this blog everyday and finding a more efficient means of tearing my hair out of my raw, bloody scalp while I lose my mind coming up with new material. But, you know... everybody’s different. Whatever works for you.
3. Do not move. Any shifting or rolling or sheet pulling will almost certainly destroy the delicate balance you’ve achieved at the brink. Kind of like the delicate balance of our ecosystem. But way more delicate.
4. Do not think about waterfalls, streams, the ocean, bodies of water in general or toilets. Not a wise choice at this point. If you need to pee, you better decide what’s more valuable: precious, valuable, irreplaceable rest or a lousy set of sheets. It’s your call.
5. Relax. Try not to think about all the terrible things that could happen while you sleep. Gas leaks, house fires, burglary and theft, missing an email… the list goes on and on.

Good luck.

4 Responses to “sleep guide”

  1. # Anonymous james

    I usually choose the sheets... maybe thats a dumb call but my roommate might think less of me.  

  2. # Blogger Katey Schultz

    i like that...the "sweet chasm of slumber..."
    well said!
    this entry had me laughing outloud (i suppose i would say LOL if i was really internet suave)
    hah.
    keep on writing...i like it!
    ~ks
    http://www.livejournal.com/users/kateyschultz  

  3. # Anonymous anne arkham

    I may never sleep again.  

  4. # Anonymous wiredanonymous

    sleep is for pansies who like to get their teeth and don't have a meth lab in the basement  

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