I’ve worked here for 3.5 months with no ill effects. Nothing. Then, last week, something changed.

There’s something strange happening to me.

Every time I touch metal, I get shocked. Not mildly, either. It hurts. And I’m no pansy. It leaves my fingers numb and stinging. I know that’s a bit of a contradiction. How can something be numb and still feel something? Well, go stick your finger in an electrical socket. Maybe the answer will come to you. If it doesn’t, try it while you’re standing in the tub.

I’m not quite sure what triggered the recent outbreak of electrical attraction. I haven’t changed my diet, water consumption or hairstyle. It happens no matter what shoes I’m wearing. It only happens at the office, but it started before I got my new computer, so it’s not karmic, if that’s what you’re thinking.

Maybe my body is mutating. Maybe I’m slowly developing superpowers that will finally give me the chance to join a group of crime-fighting superhumans. I’ll battle evil with the awesome, overwhelming power of static electricity. Or maybe a can of Static Guard and some dryer sheets.

I bet fighting evil would be pretty sweet. But I could go either way. I hear the bad guys have much cushier retirement packages. And it seems like it's easier to get in with the morally inept. They’re always recruiting.