Thousands of American workers are bending over backwards today to meet the unreasonable demands of tyrannical bosses. In an effort to assist these poor, subservient souls, I now offer Assertiveness Training for the Modern American Workforce. Or ATMAW, if you please.

Instead of:
Well, I guess I could work late.
Try:
Sure, I’ll get on it as soon as you add four hours to the day and double my salary.

Instead of:
Sure, I’ll come in early tomorrow.
Try:
I’ll get started on it first thing in the morning. Right after a cup of coffee, a donut, a trip to the bathroom and forty-five minutes of chatting with my work buddies.

Instead of:
I’ll get to work on it right away.
Try:
Maybe I can clear some time in my schedule between my massage and the Cubs game.

Instead of:
Would you like some help with that huge project you’re working on?
Try:
Haha! Sucker…

Instead of:
I love a challenge.
Try:
There’s nothing I’d like more than to take this creative brief and beat you senseless with it.

Instead of:
I’m not sure I can get it done in time, but I’ll do my best.
Try:
It's likely that you'll get Alzheimer’s before my work on this project.

Instead of:
I’m not sure I can handle the workload.
Try:
Why don’t you crack the whip a little harder? I think I’ve got some unscarred flesh just to the left of my liver.


Disclaimer: The usage of ATMAW in situations that are less than humorous will almost certainly result in your swift termination and may result in headaches, constipation, and death.