The Jack Bauer School of Negotiations

1. Don't. That's right. Jack Bauer doesn't negotiate with anyone. Not his mother. Not his dog. Not even himself. One time he couldn't decide between pizza and a burger, so he ate both. Halfway through, a part of him wanted to stop and throw the rest away, so Jack tied himself to a chair and forced the rest of the food down his own throat. It's safe to say that Jack taught his insolence a lesson.

2. In the process of not negotiating, it might take some convincing to get people to give you what you want. Jack advises to begin with harsh tones. If you must, yell. Also, breathe heavily. It helps convey how serious you are about the whole thing.

3. If yelling doesn't work, begin torture. If you need specific tips on torture, please enroll in Jack Bauer's School of Information Gathering and Coercion Through Alternative Means While the Government Looks the Other Way. If torture doesn't work or you're indisposed (e.g.; you're tied up in a chair or your best friend has your former-enemy-turned-ally at gunpoint) proceed with step four.

4. Kill. Get creative. Use the tools at your disposal, no matter how "unconventional" they may be. In a hospital? A pair of surgical scissors will get the job done. In an office? Try stabbing the other party with a pen. Outdoors? Use your hands. They work great in a pinch. Tied up? Just bite that dude's neck off.

5. Just do whatever the hell you want. Damn the consequences. This usually works great when you just can't get the President of the United States to see things your way. He usually comes around once you've saved the nation from complete chaos/chemical attack/total decimation.

7 Responses to “twenty four”

  1. # Anonymous omg

    I can't staaaand "24," but I love this post.  

  2. # Blogger Joe Fuel

    Geez, I wish I had hopped on the 24 bandwagon when it started. It sounds like fun...  

  3. # Blogger r.fuel

    omg- Thanks. Very much.

    Joe- Don't get sucked in. It's like looking at a dog with three legs. It's a sight you can live without, but once you see him hopping around, you can't look away.  

  4. # Anonymous Jen

    Don't. Mess. With Jack.

    24 is very addictive. And I love it.  

  5. # Blogger s. wells

    i must see this three-legged dog.  

  6. # Blogger Charles & Holly Reed

    Just finished watching 24 Season 5 on DVD in a few days. These 24 writers hook me in that I just have to watch the next episode/season. Perhaps Jack could sort out all the problems we have in the world.
    Mental note to self: Learn how to be super-human like Jack is because when I trip/stub my toe/break an ankle, I can know how to just get up and brush my self off when hurt/in pain especially from:
    a) helicopter
    b) moving car
    c) severe beating from torturer(s)

    Wonderful medium 24 TV is eh!

    A techy note:
    How come Caller ID never shows on CTU people's phones? Over here in the UK, when I answer a call on my mobile (cell), I say, "Hi John, how're things?" I don't say, "Reed". Oh and President Logan (supposedly the most powerful man of the "free" world) has a crappy mobile phone!  

  7. # Blogger r.fuel

    Thanks for stopping by, Charles!

    Jack just answers with "Bauer" because he's too busy saving the country to bother with reading.  

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