[The curtain opens on the interior of a small studio apartment. A police siren goes by outside. Words moves around the apartment frantically. He throws some junk in a closet, tosses the dishes under the sink and hastily makes the bed. He is straightening up the desk when there’s a knock at the door.]

Words: [calling towards the door] Just one sec. Be right there.

[Words tosses some stuff into one of the drawers, looks helplessly at the pile of papers strewn across the desk and sweeps them into the trash can. Another polite knock. Words runs to the door, unclasps several locks, slides the chain out, and opens the door. 9rules stands politely in the hallway.]

Words: Hi. Sorry. Please come in.

[9rules steps inside and looks around slowly.]

Words: Um. Can I get you anything to drink?
9rules: Sure. What do you have?

[Words hustles to the refrigerator, opens it and looks inside.]

Words: Uh. I got grapefruit juice and, um… water.
9rules: I see. I’m alright.
Words: I can run to the store real quick if you want something else. A coke or-
9rules: Don’t worry about it. [9rules looks around with obvious disdain.] I won’t be long.
Words: Well, okay. Thanks for coming by.
9rules: That’s my job.
Words: Still, I appreciate-
9rules: You have requested an interview. Is there anything you’d like to say?
Words: Uh, yeah. I, um, saw that you guys were accepting applications and-
9rules: Who told you that?
Words: I found out at Airbag Industries, actually.
9rules: I see.

[9rules begins walking around the apartment, appraising the space and its contents.]

9rules: Did you receive a personal invitation?
Words: Not exactly.
9rules: Not exactly?
Words: Not at all.
9rules: Continue.
Words: Um, I saw that you were accepting applications and I’ve been a fan of your community ever since I found out about it and I thought that it wouldn’t hurt to throw my hat in the ring.
9rules: Theoretically.
Words: Excuse me?
9rules: Nothing.
Words: Alright… Well, I just wanted to see if I could make it in. You know?
9rules: Sadly, yes.

[Awkward silence ensures.]

Words: So, um…

[More awkward silence.]

Words: Can I show you around?

[9rules looks around the small apartment. He takes it all in with one quick glance. A large rat waddles across the living room floor.]

9rules: I can say with confidence that I’ve seen quite enough.
Words: When will you guys be making your decision?
9rules: Sometime this week.
Words: Can you give me any sort of idea on how I did?
9rules: Our standards are very high.
Words: I know. If you give me a chance to-
9rules: I’m sorry.

[Words slumps, dejected.]

Words: Isn’t there anything-
9rules: Don’t.
Words: But-
9rules: You’re only making this harder on yourself.
Words: I-
9rules: No.


9rules: I’ll see myself out.

[9rules steps out. After a few moments of staring at his shoes, Words steps into the kitchen area and opens the fridge. He pulls out a gallon of ice cream and a bottle of mustard and plods to the couch. He turns on the TV, pours mustard directly into his mouth, pulls a spoon out from underneath the couch cushions and begins to shovel ice cream through his frowning lips. Curtain.]


I submitted Words for consideration for inclusion in the 9rules network. Moments afterward, I was filled with the confident reassurance that it would not be picked. But that’s okay. I don’t care about them anyway. And besides, I’ve got plenty of mustard and ice cream to last for weeks. Maybe months.

In my defense, I misread that “best content on the web” thing. I thought it said “best of the worst stuff you’ve ever seen”. And if you’ll forgive some boasting, that’s a category Words could really shine in.

UPDATE: As usual, my writing is vague and unclear. As of May 31st, 9rules has not yet published the list of sites accepted during the latest round of submissions. I don't know for sure if I've been accepted or not. I just don't feel very confident about my chances. Because I don't write very good.

9 Responses to “visit”

  1. # Anonymous bekah

    If Eurekablyth had a Network, and the Eurekablyth Network included a "best of the worst stuff you've ever seen" category, Words would be on the very top of the list.  

  2. # Anonymous Chickie

    Here - a big, tall, frosty glass of f-you to 9rules.  

  3. # Anonymous Scrivs

    We get a big, tall frosty galss of f-you and we haven't even done anything yet. Nice.  

  4. # Anonymous Colin D. Devroe

    That 9rules is a jerk. He could have at least told you in advance that he was coming. Oh, wait - he did. :)  

  5. # Anonymous r.fuel

    Um, wow. This was much less about what actually happened and much more about my feelings of inadequacy in light of the current members of the 9rules network. I have no idea what the 9rules acceptance process even looks like or how far it's gone.

    I'm sure that all you guys at 9rules are nothing like the character in this entry. I just thought it was funnier that way.

    Oops. True to form, if I hadn't blown it before, it looks like I have now. And in spectacular fashion.  

  6. # Anonymous bekah

    I think it's funny... but this:

    Moments afterward, I was filled with the confident reassurance that it would not be picked.

    certainly makes it seem as though you were already turned down.  

  7. # Anonymous r.fuel

    How weird. I was vague, unclear and confusing. That's never happened before. Ever.  

  8. # Anonymous Bekah

    Yeah, you're always the very opposite of "vague, unclear and confusing."


  9. # Anonymous r.fuel


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