Helpful Tips for a Happy Marriage

1. Find the right man/woman. This is the hardest part, but critical to a happy marriage. I can’t imagine that you would ever be happily married to David Hasselhoff/Paris Hilton/Satan himself. Finding the right guy or gal can be a crapshoot. Good luck.

2. If you do luck out and find the perfect someone, marry them as soon as you can. The longer you wait, the more likely they are to realize that they are too good for you. Get married quick and lock ‘em in.

3. Work on conflict resolution. When you spend that much time with someone, you’re going to disagree. You’re going to get angry. You’re going to say things you don’t mean. If you’re a man, you’re going to end up sleeping on the couch. So develop the conflict resolution strategy that works for you. Then develop the conflict resolution strategy that works for your spouse. Warning: this may take many, many fights, but you should be committed to the endeavor. You may need to start some fights to perfect your strategies. Do whatever is necessary. Family insults always work well.

4. Commit yourself to open and honest communication. All the time.

5. Learn to lie well. Unless you're still working out your conflict resolution strategies, there are times when open and honest communication is not your friend. Like during childbirth. If you aren’t passed out on the floor, just tell your wife that she’s beautiful. For women: tell your husband that he has huge muscles. Just whenever.

6. Don’t cheat. Except at Speed Scrabble. Because sometimes you just have to win if you want to live your life with any sort of self-respect.

7. Make an effort to do the little things for him or her. Bake a cake. Take out the trash. Make the bed. Wash her car. Bake some cookies. Rub her feet. Shave his back while he watches Lethal Weapon 4.

So it may not be the best advice, but it’s working fine for me.

Happy Anniversary, Aims. I love you.