[The curtain rises on a couch in the middle of the stage. Right Kidney sits on the right, watching tv. Left Kidney bursts into the room.]

Left: Right, I’m afraid.
Right: You’re always afraid. You’re like a little girl’s kidney.
Left: No, I’m really afraid this time.
Right: Relax. Who are you, the left kidney of Christian Bale?
Left: Did you see how skinny he was in The Machinist?
Right: Yes. That’s the point.
Left: Oh. Because then he bulked up for Batman Begins and sudden, drastic weight changes can be hard on the renal system. I get it. Ha.
[pause]
Right: You were saying?
Left: Oh yeah. I’m scared, Right.
Right: Scared of what?
Left: Removal and sale on the black market.
Right: We covered this, remember? It was a hoax.
Left: No, I’m not afraid of being harvested while he’s on vacation.
Right: Who else is going to take one of us out and sell us on the black market?
Left: He might.
[Appendix enters]
Appendix: What are you guys talking about?
Right: Left thinks that Robert might remove one of us for sale on the black market.
Appendix: Robert would never remove his own kidney.
Left: He might consider it if he saw the lens Nikon announced today.
Right: It would have to be a pretty sweet lens for him to sacrifice one of us.
Left: 18-200mm. Vibration reduction technology. A minimum focusing distance of 20 inches. AT ALL FOCAL LENGTHS!
[pause]
Right: We’re doomed.
Appendix: Haha!
Right: What are you laughing at, punk?
Appendix: Oh, nothing.
Left: No, what is it?
Appendix: I’m just happy.
Right: Liar.
Appendix: Nobody ever threatens to sell me.
Right: That’s ‘cause you’re useless. You have to burst and threaten sepsis before anyone will pay any attention to you.
Appendix: That’s not true! People love me!
Right: Nobody even likes you, you worthless sack of –
Left: Stop it! This is not about him!
[Appendix runs crying from the stage.]
[Right and Left pause, watching the door through which Appendix exited. Right begins to walk in the other direction.]
Right: Come on.
Left: Where are we going?
Right: To ask the lungs for a date. The pretty one won’t go anywhere without the other.
[Curtain.]

8 Responses to “fair market value”

  1. # Blogger Fuzzball

    *deafening applause*

    I want to see Act 2: Revenge of the Colon  

  2. # Blogger Joe Fuel

    wow. that must be a pretty awesome lense. but take my word for it, selling your kidneys may be something required for much more dire circumstances.  

  3. # Anonymous intestinonymous

    are you kidneying me? i would have a hard time digesting that. i don't have the intestinal fortitude. besides, who listens to colons?  

  4. # Anonymous aimee

    you might think of selling a kidney so we can buy our house with cash and afford a second child  

  5. # Blogger r.fuel

    Actually, the best thing about the lens is its price. I wouldn't even need to sell my kidney to afford it. I could just rent one out for a couple months.  

  6. # Anonymous slavetraderanonymous

    you could sell the child  

  7. # Anonymous anne arkham

    Have twins. Sell one and keep one.  

  8. # Anonymous james

    Well, I just think that you should try and sell this as a commercial or possibly a one act play. Im in Introduction to Theatre this semester and I definetly think that this script could fall under some category of theatre. I dont know which one, but hey, its worth a shot.  

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