news nugget

Six stabbed at birthday party

EAST HARTFORD, Conn. - Six people were stabbed early Sunday during a melee at a 1-year-old's birthday party, police said. It apparently started when a downstairs neighbor went upstairs to complain about the noise.

Have you ever heard a group of toddlers toddling around on the floor above you? They might as well be elephants.

The injured were taken to Hartford and St. Francis hospitals, where they were treated for stab wounds to their faces and necks. All were later released.

For those of you who missed it: ”stab wounds to the face and neck”. Who stabs somebody in the face? Seems like a waste of time and energy to me.

Police said they received several 911 calls around 12:45 a.m. They arrived at a two-family home on Crosby Street to find dozens of people running around in a thunderstorm. Some were screaming and bleeding.

“We’re fairly confident that it was not the thunder and lightning that caused the large open wounds on the victims’ faces, but some sort of cutting implement. Possibly a fork or a very unusual spoon,” the sheriff said.

Most spoke only Spanish, adding to the chaos. A Spanish-speaking officer from Manchester was eventually brought into translate.

Chaos? Six people getting stabbed is chaos? What was the Great Chicago Fire? A promotion for a heating company? And the L.A. riots? A really bangin’ party?

Sgt. Ed Perkins said that as he arrived he saw one person in the road beating another person with a chair.

Once he realized that the individuals involved were neither Mick Foley nor Dwayne Johnson, Perkins dropped his bag of popcorn and stopped the beating.

No children or police officers were injured.

Oh, good. I can’t imagine the horrors of poor, innocent, defenseless police officers being injured. What could possibly be worse?

Officers said they found a knife hidden under the child's birthday cake.

A one year-old, a birthday cake, a knife and six people stabbed in the face. And people wonder why you shouldn’t feed kids too much sugar. It’s worse than crack.

Police detained so many people that they ran out of regular handcuffs. Then they ran out of temporary flexible restraining devices and had to call for more.

Of course. Little kids have squirmy wrists. Get a bunch of them all hopped up on crack and you’ve got some squirming to deal with.

4 Responses to “news nugget”

  1. # Anonymous anne arkham

    Love Mick Foley.  

  2. # Blogger Joe Fuel

    Who did the stabbing though? I'm so very confused.  

  3. # Blogger r.fuel

    It was clearly the hopped-up one year-old.e  

  4. # Blogger anaglyph

    >>For those of you who missed it: ”stab wounds to the face and neck”. Who stabs somebody in the face? Seems like a waste of time and energy to me.

    Sure, but we're not talking rational stabbers here, one might venture.  

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