to the marketing department of The Store:

Congratulations.

You’ve done some excellent work these last few weeks. You started by commissioning new scripts because the old ones weren’t creative enough. Your ad agency pooled their resources and churned out several creative and entertaining scripts that positioned your major selling points strongly for the target. You chose a good script, watered it down, and then shot it in the face with a 12-gauge. When the blood stopped flowing and the script’s leg stopped twitching, you chose another one of the creative options. And without any warning, you snuck up behind it and swung a shovel at it. Repeatedly. The depth of your violence made Quentin Tarantino gag on his own bile. Then you took that same shovel and used it to write a script of your own. A script so bad that people in the office laughed out loud when they heard it. A script so bad that it was actually funnier in its original form than when I lampooned it on my blog. So we took your script and sent it from atrociously hideous to solidly passable. Its mother started loving it and drunks only needed one or two more drinks to talk to it. And now you want to strip it of its mediocrity. You want to strip it of the self-respect it earned in the eyes of its inebriated lovers and throw those shards to the dogs.

Pat yourselves on the back. You deserve it.