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Dear Time Warner Cable,

You and me - we got problems.

Number one: you suck. In the last two months, I've only had internet at home for 40 days. Maybe. I've only had cable-speed internet for 30. Maybe. Number two: I hate you. Why? Because I get to pay for all 60 days. That's a pretty sweet deal for you. Number three: I hate you a lot. In the last two days, I've spent an hour on hold. And I still haven't spoken with a single real-life human being.

If you, as a company, could be magically transformed into a single entity, I would probably spend the rest of my God-given days in prison. Your ineptitude drives me to a rage that can't be described in words. Imagine red, searing, burning, itching, oozing pain. That's how I'd start. And then things would get really fun.

You can avoid all this by (a) fixing my internet, (b) giving me intermittent internet for free, or (c) magically transforming yourself into a single entity and dying a horrible death before I find you.

All the Best,


p.s. You tell the owner of the on-hold message voice who keeps interrupting her own recorded message and making me think that I've finally been connected with an operator to watch out. If I ever hear that voice on the street, an insanity plea will be a gimme.

3 Responses to “open letter”

  1. # Blogger Aimee

    oozing pain? sounds...gross  

  2. # Anonymous bekah

    We have Time Warner at work, so I totally feel your pain.

    The people we deal with actually gave us a number that reaches a person (I guess because we're a company?) but they're normally so dense I could get more information from an on-hold recording.  

  3. # Blogger stephanie

    I don't have Time Warner, but my internet service people still suck. Our internet blinks in and out at will and it's nearly impossible to get anyone on the phone about it.  

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