As usual, I went to the gym during my lunch break today to pick up heavy things and move them around. As I was walking towards the bench I wanted to use, I noticed a tall, rather skinny man adding a sixth 45 lb. plate to the bench press bar. Now, 315 lbs. is a lot of weight for anybody to bench press. And here was this guy, who weighed at the most 190. This was, of course, something I wanted to see as I was inclined to believe that only ants could lift that much more than their body weight. I began my workout, keeping an eye on the megalifter. It turns out that it's really easy to work out with that much weight. Much easier than I ever would have imagined. Even I could do it. The trick is to never actually lift the weight.
You heard me right. Don't lift it. Just sit on the bench, talk to your buddies, drink some water, walk around, swing your arms around like you're stretching, sit on the bench some more, and then put the weights back where you got 'em. Then you can proceed to your next exercise: the dumbbell press. Pick some ridiculously heavy weights, pull them off the shelf, let them drop to the floor since you won't be able to actually carry them anywhere, roll them over to the bench, and sit around. If you're feeling really motivated, you can grab some weights off the rack that you can actually lift. While no one's looking, hold them above your chest, drop them two inches and repeat about eight times. Then put them away, walk to the water fountain, and sit on the bench where you're guarding the ridiculously heavy weights.
I'm thinking about marketing this innovative fitness plan: Come to the gym! Don't lift weights! Enjoy none of the benefits of exercise!