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origins



[The curtain rises on a nearly empty stage. A large grasshopper sits in the middle of the space. Man1 enters.]

Man1: Woah. That’s a huge grasshopper. I wonder how it got here.

[Inquisitive, Man1 steps toward the insect. He walks around it slowly, examining it. He steps back for a wider perspective. Man2 enters.]

Man2: [with a British accent] I say! That is quite a large bug!
Man1: Isn’t it? I was just thinking that same thing.
Man2: From whence might such a beast come?
Man1: Well, it’s way bigger than any of the grasshoppers I’ve ever seen around here.
Man2: Hmmm. Have you a theory?
Man1: Well, sure. I was kind of thinking that maybe it’s a regular grasshopper that ate really well and grew really big.
Man2: Poppycock!
Man1: Excuse me?
Man2: That’s preposterous.
Man1: How do you mean?
Man2: It’s quite clear that the local environment is entirely prohibitive to such outstanding growth. It is absolutely impossible for a local grasshopper to outgrow its counterparts in such a fantastic fashion.
Man1: Well, maybe improbable, but not really impossible…
Man2: Yes, it is. Quite impossible.
Man1: Then how’d it get here?
Man2: Well, I am quite an expert on the North American Husky. Through years of research, I have learned that, from time to time, the North American favors a grasshopper or two in his diet. In addition, the Husky is quite nomadic. It’s perfectly clear to me, and any open-minded, clear-thinking individual, that a Husky happened upon this grasshopper in its native habitat and carried it here.
Man1: Why would a dog carry a grasshopper so far without eating it?
Man2: Well, you see, the Husky is quite a foresighted pooch. When one considers the evidence, you must come to the conclusion that the hound procured the grasshopper for consumption at a later date, and brought the insect with him on his wide-ranging travels.
Man1: What evidence? That’s just your theory. There’s no evidence for that.
Man2: Pshaw! Only the blind could ignore the evidence here.

[A pause while Man1 stares at Man2. Man3 and Man4 enter.]

Man3: Holy crap! That grasshopper is flippin’ huge!
Man1: We were just talking about that.
Man3: How do you think it got here?
Man1: Before we tell you what we think, why don’t you venture a guess?
Man3: Um… Well… Maybe it’s from some exotic jungle or something… Like in South America or some rain forest somewhere… And it was captured so some scientist dudes could do some research on it... And the plane was flying over here on its way to the research lab and they lost cabin pressure and the grasshopper got sucked out of the fuselage and landed here.
Man2: [grunts incredulously] Ridiculous.
Man1: How did you come up with that?
Man3: Well, it’s way bigger than any grasshopper I’ve ever seen around here. And I was born here. I spent a lot of time as a kid chasing and catching these things. And it’s way bigger than any that I’ve ever seen.
Man1: But the airplane. How’d you think of that?
Man3: Well, it’s the only logical explanation, if you think about it.
Man1: Why couldn’t it have just migrated here?
Man3: Why would he leave the place where he’s from? There’s obviously a lot of good food and stuff there. Why would he leave all that for this? It doesn’t make any sense.
Man4: Maybe he was made by some crazy scientist. With like, DNA manipulation or something crazy like that.
Man2: Please! That’s preposterous!
Man4: Why?
Man2: It just is! You have no evidence to support that! It’s complete hogwash!
Man4: Hey, man. You don’t have to be mean about it. What did I ever do to y-
[Man5 enters.]
Man5: [to the grasshopper] There you are, boy! Come here!

[The grasshopper turns and bounds into the arms of its owner.]

Man1: That’s yours?
Man5: Yeah, isn’t he great? [nuzzles the grasshopper]
Man3: Where’d you get him?
Man5: Oh, I ordered him on the internet.

[Man5 exits with his pet. Man1, Man2, Man3 and Man4 stare at each for a moment and exit in silence. Curtain.]

4 Responses to “origins”

  1. # Blogger Joe Fuel

    You are one crazy man, brother.  

  2. # Anonymous anne arkham

    I just checked www.giantgrasshoppers.com and the domain is totally available.  

  3. # Blogger Chickie

    Huh. I like how you wrapped it up all neatly with the ending.  

  4. # Blogger Jake

    Haha. Nice.  

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